As the world place me in the situation of the need to explain myself, somehow somewhere there is hesitation of the reason to. I find myself not wanting to explain any further explanations. I wonder why people have to classify each other in such ridiclious categories of what each individuals supposed to be? Then again, I wonder deeply how there's so many things I'd do if I was in the right element. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense of what any human existence could comprehend. There's so many things wrecking my mind right now. The more I realized about my transition, the more I fall further away from the category of what I was known before. I guess that's a good thing.

Life is going perfectly well for me, I've got the perfect supports from my girlfriend and family but the only thing that's digging into me is my own very battle with myself. Perhaps that is the hardest battle? I'm not sure. Anyway, I shall leave you readers a song.

An Update

Hello Dear Readers,

Let me tell you, SO MUCH has changed within the last couple of months I could say. It's a good-positive change!

Let's start off with my love life, my relationship with this special girl. I honestly would have NEVER thought I deserve someone like her. Somehow she came into my life, even though it took quite some time to find her. At first we're really close great friends, we still are even though we form our relationship/friendship into a something new. I love the feeling! It made me realized that I truly love her even without her knowing at the time (If that makes sense). After a year of talking to her, getting to know her without knowing my feelings have slowly developed for her. I didn't even think she'd develop feelings for me as well in the end. The most wonderful thing is that we've been great friends for almost 3 years, we talk about everything and anything, good/bad and what's even more amazing thing is, we have nothing to hide in our relationship. Everything I've told her is something I would not even tell my own mother or sister. She knows my dreams, she knows my weaknesses, my strong values/views, my morals, my darkest deepest secret yet she's shown me everything that not anyone can do. She's touched the deepest part of my heart, I've never knew someone like her exists and has always been in my life without me even knowing how great of a person she is. I just hope she knows all this because I have a hard time truly saying all the things I want to say to her when we're actually talking, I'm afraid to scare her away sometimes. But I know I won't cos she's my best friend, my girlfriend, a person that I truly look up to.. She's everything anyone could ask for. She's just truly amazing, she motivates me, she gives me hope when no one else in the world can. I'm not sure if anyone has ever felt the way I feel about someone but I never thought I'd find someone like her. I understand her point of view, the way she approaches to life and her ways of wanting to explore the world. I admire her plans for the future even though sometimes I still feel like I might've ruined it all. She makes me whole, if that makes sense!

Now, onto my thoughts right now,

Right now, I feel again hopeless. I'm in a situation whereas right now I'm waiting for a new life but sometimes deep inside I feel like it might never happen still, I feel like my father is prolonging the situation and now is not talking about any of it. I honestly think if you truly love your child/children, you wouldn't prolong something like what I'm going through. You'd do anything to make them happy, to feel at home within themselves. Alright, that's all I'm going to write.

Other than that, things have been very well, other than what I just wrote. :)

Poetic? Not sure..

Hello, haven't written for such a long time. I've decided to just stop by and write something. I really want to be in Academy of Art but I must wait 2 years, I hate that. I feel like I'm wasting my time in this Community College. I don't even want to bother going. Work has been tough honestly, they've been cutting my hours. I've been mad about it but don't know how to express that part out. So I just take it day by day. Sometimes I find it hard expressing how I feel more and more now.

Spitefully, crashing waves that hitting against my thoughts

Another drag of my cigarette in my shaking hands

Staring upon the cement on the floor where my both feet,

steadily standing upon..

I can feel the nicotine slowly seeping into my lungs,

creating a solitary moment of escape.

Glimpsing slowly at the sunny clouded skies,

For days, the sun was covered by the angered mother nature

With a distant glow, I still felt the heat

yet the rain seems to cover it all but no one feels it like I do.

As the rain drops fall upon me,

each drag, I've found some kind of security in this moment

I don't know how many cigarettes I've smoked today

But each time I do, I've felt a strange sharp agony

Wasn't it ......wasn't it?

New Year

Hello it's a new year and all hope is going well,

It hurts to be far away from her.

Drifting

I'm drifting to find something, I finally get a chance to talk, but it fades away. If I could ever find these feelings.
How can I ever speak, if I can't even tell myself. I am always left with hungry lips, am I afraid to get broken again? Am I afraid of showing what is left??

If eyes are the windows to the soul, why are there blinds?
Where is the sunset we were all promised. I wonder if this is how color blind people see the world.
remain in the silent darkness, but now its like all the reflecting luminance shinning through my window really isn't there.

Jealousy & Beauty

Yesterday I read a friend of mine’s blog. Suddenly it hit me because that’s what I’ve always thought. I’ve always felt lonely because I could never come to a full understanding of why people do the things people do. Here I am confined in my own little room, in front of a computer for years. I mean years, since I was 9 years old I turned to computers because I felt like I could never interact with people but then again I see my sister having friends into her life so easily yet I’m there without that type of special “power”. People tend to give me weird looks or stay away from me, I mean, do I look scary or that ugly for you to not want to be my friend? That’s what I would think growing up, I still do think that way. Anyways, my friends blog title was “Oh Jealousy”. Why would it be jealousy because truly it is. I always get jealous when I see my sister or friends pictures where she and other friends of theirs/hers would party. It looks like fun, because everybody is smiling hard / laughing hard like they mean it so freely and as if it comes so naturally. They’re surrounded by people and I’m not. There was once in my life where I did go into that scene but that only lasted 2 years, I would drink but I would not understand why people would like the taste of alcohol but yet I force myself to like it. I even got really drunk because I don’t know how to handle my alcohol, most people would think that’s pretty lame but to me it’s okay. So I just join their world to see what it really felt like but deep inside I felt fake, an empty shell, with no meaning of life even more so. So after all that, I decided to leave that type of life behind. I mean, I’d still try to fit in and go to parties but I wouldn’t drink. Then, people would beg me “C’mon drink, it’s fun. It’ll make you more relaxed...”. I’d shrug at the person who offer me a drink like that or force me to play alcohol activities. Slowly I watch them become like animals with no brain function whatsoever, I begin to laugh, not because I’m a cynical type of person but I begin to kind of feel sorry for them. After a while my friends would see that I am not a fun person at all once my true side showed (the person who truly doesn’t drink). No one invites me out, they think I’m not a good person for not drinking. Sometimes I don’t get myself either of why I backed away from that scene, maybe I should’ve continued being an empty shell otherwise the me now wouldn’t feel even more empty. Another thing I don’t understand is, why do people get so sexual when they’re “drunk”? They tend to be touchy touchy. That’s another reason why I don’t like being around people when they drink and another reason is that my father drinks. Growing up, he’d tend to beat me and my mother. That’s the deeper reason of why I don’t want to drink either. My sister drinks and parties hard til she drops. She tells my parents all the time what she does and what she does at bars. I’m there listening and thinking “Where is the fun in that? What is so fun about going to bars and make a fool of yourself with no meaning when the world is way more beautiful to explore than drinking?”.

I find myself confined in these four walls every day battling these thoughts and battling my social anxiety, I get to really think about things and really know what is right for me. I also realize that people also can let you down. They let you down so much that you rather trust yourself than other human beings. People can be so cruel just to not hang out with you. Everyone on this world drinks! Everyone seems to always let me down when I pour myself out to them trying to make friends. I grew up with people NOT coming easily into my life because maybe I look ugly or I looked weird but I continuously put my pride aside and put myself out there, to meet new people. Sadly, REALITY, people are truly ugly. I realized I’m not ugly. The people in this world are ugly. They can use you and spit you out whenever they feel like it. I rather trust my dogs than human beings. There are exceptional people in my life though right now, I’ve only found a couple friends ONLINE who share the same thoughts as me and the same lifestyle as well. I rather go out to a bookstore or coffee store to chitchat with someone or go driving around to a beach or something to share a time with someone. OR stay up all night just talking about ANYTHING, anything at all. It doesn’t even need to sound smart or whatever. Just to talk, to rant, to vent. I rather live life fully than to get drunk and party. But then again, I ask myself if I so strongly feel what I know is right, then why do I get so jealous when I see other people’s pictures where they’re partying and getting “crunk”?

Anyway, onto another subject. I want to break free from my anxiety issue. I want to be free but I’ve realized, the more I’m forcing myself for it to go away, the more it stays. The reason why I want it to go away is because I want to work. I want to help my parents out, I want to feel useful in some way that I can. I want to save up money to buy things that I can give to people or for myself sometimes. I want to save money to travel, to visit these meaningful friends that I’ve met. I also want to be able to travel and hopefully meet that special someone, someone who can show me that there is a fairytale and soulmates truly exist and that it’s not a myth. I want a family of my own, I want that so badly. I am 24 years old and I have nothing. I don’t even have a steady goal for school, not to mention career since I’m not even working. I mean when I look at other 20 to 30 year olds, they already have what I wanted. They already am in universities! Yet here I am, with nothing but in my room. I not only have social anxiety but I have panic disorder and dyslexic. The dyslexic is not really bad as it sounds for me but I have a learning disablitiy where I can’t learn as fast as other people, growing up I was made fun of because of that as well. But I see a lot of shows and stories that people like me have gone far, but why don’t I have the strength to do it? I ask myself where are my strengths gone? Am I going to just fade away like this until I’m 50 and regret how I’ve lived my life? Am I sitting here for my soulmate to come rescue me? <--that part is kind of true. That’s something I kind of want to happen, for my soulmate to know where I am and come find me. And I know nothing like that will ever happen in the real world.

I was telling my friend that I want full control of life. I want things to come to me easily and I can just have it like that. I know that sounds spoiled but I just want it that way. Anyways, I’ve written a lot and my mind is about to go blank so I will end it here & hopefully this doesn’t seem like someone who complains. I am just getting out what I truly feel for years without getting it out in the right way.